There's nothing like it, right? My mind was wandering the other day and I remembered the first boy I really felt something for. I'd had boyfriends before him, from the age of 12 I'd been dating on and off, but he was the one. I was 16 and I fell hook, line and sinker. He's also the one I feel that there is unfinished business with, although I doubt I'll ever be able to do anything about it.
Let's call him... J. Cos that's his initial. J lived with his gran, his dad worked away and his mum disappeared some years earlier, leaving them to grow up without her. He had a younger brother, and they were both tearaways. It's no wonder, now I look back on it as a parent, that she was tearing her hair out with the pair of them! We met in an underage nightclub, he would come with his group of mates, dressed in a light blue suit, which was sort of in fashion at the time, and we would all dance in a circle together, his boys and the girls I hung out with there. There was a lot of copping off, we were all around 16, doing what kids of that age do.
It was also a majorly pivotal time in my family life, which made things complicated. I left home that summer and spent a couple of weeks dossing on floors here, there and everywhere. Of course, the first place I went was J's house. His gran wasn't happy but let me stay a couple of nights, before telling me I had to go and find somewhere else. She was a battleaxe of a woman, and there was no running rings around her. We weren't allowed to be alone together in the house, and when we had a devious plan to sleep in a tent in the garden, she came to the doorstep and shouted at us to get out of there. We pretended not to be inside, but she'd obviously been spying and knew we were there. In the end we decided we'd better leave as she was going to come down and check, and we were half naked!
Eventually, I ended up on the floor of his mate's sister's bedsit. Unfortunately she was a little... ermm... promiscuous... and she'd bring back guys at night, with a mate for me... Being young, naive and very silly, I would go ahead and 'entertain' the mates. Sadly, and inevitably, it got back to J and he dumped me. Understandable, I would have done the same thing, but it broke my heart, and it was all my fault. I went to see him and we had a long chat, but it was over and he wasn't going to give me a second chance.
I can't blame him, and I am sorry, even now I wish I could have made things different, even if it was just to see how far it could have gone. We do live and learn, and I don't have many regrets in my life, despite numerous mistakes, but I would like one day to bump into J and... well I don't know really... what could I possibly do or say after all this time?
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