Why do I do it?

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.  They come on in a variety of situations, but none more than when I'm going out to have fun, to a gig or festival.  I have to try really hard to keep a lid on it, otherwise I end up with a full on panic attack.  My head spins, I feel sick, I shake, my stomach knots up and I go really, really hot.  It's horrible.

So, to yesterday, I was going to see Primal Scream in Newcastle.  To do this I had to overcome the anxiety and stave off the panic attacks, drive an hour there and an hour back and endure the hours before the performance without crumbling into a ridiculous mess.  It takes a lot of mental power and it's incredibly tiring, and tiredness is one of the things that can set me off anyway...  I spent most of yesterday thinking to myself - why do I do this to myself?  And I didn't have the answer.  Or I did, but it felt quite unreal in the face of what I was feeling.  I love live music, I really, really do.  But it does get me down when I have to go through a mental workout beforehand. There was one occasion when I ended up not going to a gig altogether, sadly it was Queens of the Stone Age, and it upsets me even now,  5 years later, that I missed out on seeing my favourite band ever.  But at the time I was having such a severe panic attack, I couldn't even move from the seat I was sat in at the time.  I was a sobbing, exhausted, panic stricken mess.

I have tried to pinpoint where it started, when I had my first panic attack, and I did think that it was during a Charlatans gig in the late 90s, but there are vague memories of similar experiences a lot earlier than that, I just didn't know what it was.

But anyway, last night, even after I'd arrived, I was still in a bit of a mess.  I found a cute little cubby hole with a comfy bench, so I sat in there having a drink while I tried to calm myself down, still mentally thinking 'why do I do this to myself??'  Then it was time for the band to come on, the music started and I remembered.  The music, seeing a band perform your favourite songs on stage, I just get carried away with the moment.  The endorphins and adrenalin flows and I lose all inhibitions.  The adrenalin that fuels the panics is re-directed into dancing and I forget it all.  Dancing like nobody is watching, forgetting all the things I'm normally self conscious about, it's priceless.  For two hours of my life I was someone else, I was part of something fantastic and I was left with a feeling of elation and joy.  And that is what makes me do it to myself.  I knew there was something.